Nine in 10 people lie to their therapist. But why?
By Gary Nunn
Bree Synot was in no mood to divulge her innermost secrets to a stranger on her first therapy session with psychologist Donna Cameron. She’d had a rough few weeks.
“I’d been having a hard time. I’m in a wheelchair and was trying to get a disabled parking spot,” says the Melbourne-based 29-year-old. “Somebody who didn’t need the spot had [illegally] claimed it, refusing to leave it for me. I got very angry, and keyed her car.”
Nine in 10 people lie to their therapist. But why?Credit: iStock
Bree was ordered by the court to attend therapy sessions to process her anger.
Having been through therapy before, Synot didn’t have the emotional energy to reveal everything. “I’d felt disconnected to previous therapists,” she says. “I wanted to fulfil the court order then leave. So I lied by omitting big things that impacted me psychologically, such as the fact I’m adopted, or have a strained relationship with my family. It was a can of worms I didn’t want to open.”
Lying to therapists is more common than you think
Synot is, according to one US study, like 93 per cent of therapy-goers: they lie to their psychologist at least once. About 60 per cent said they’d lied to avoid embarrassment. A more recent US study of therapy-goers study puts the figure of self-confessed liars at 89 per cent. But, why – when it feels so self-defeating?
For others, the lies are more complex: euphemisms, exaggerations, half-truths, distortions, omissions, white lies, outright deception.
I spoke to couples counsellors and psychologists who see clients with addictions, eating disorders or general life struggles to uncover why so many of us lie to the people we’re paying to hear our deepest truths.
Looking for acceptance
Donna Cameron is Synot’s psychologist and, as a practising therapist in Melbourne for 22 years, she’s unsurprised by the volume of liars, especially in those early sessions.
‘In those first sessions, it’s our role to listen … then therapists can gain insight as to why the client feels the need to be untruthful.’
Psychologist Donna Cameron
“It’s human nature for people to present themselves positively. They’re still seeking acceptance, even from their therapist,” she says.
Cameron sees this as a healthy step towards building that all-important client/therapist rapport.
“In those first sessions, it’s our role to listen, observe, build an alliance,” she says. “Then therapists can gain insight as to why the client feels the need to be untruthful.”
So how did Cameron win the trust of someone as reluctant as Synot?
“Rather than ‘how does that make you feel?’, Donna would say, ‘we don’t have to discuss this now if you’re not comfortable’,” Synot says. “It depends how you like your therapy delivered. I don’t like being pushed; Donna intuitively sensed that.”
Building that level of comfort over several sessions had a remarkable impact. The court ordered Synot to undergo six sessions. She has now been seeing Cameron for three years, and never misses an appointment.
What people lie about the most
Cameron has heard worse lies than Synot’s initial omissions.
“I had one client with stress/depression whose wife accompanied him for support. Over multiple sessions, he spoke about his life, family, interests, daytime activities,” she says.
“Months in, he revealed everything was a lie. The only truth was he was married to his wife. He was actually a gambler with a second family unit – another partner and children.”
Cameron didn’t doubt him once: “He was so believable.”
Julie Sweet, of Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy, Sydney, says the most common reasons clients lie are “shame, fear, embarrassment, judgment and denial.”
This is why she chooses to believe them, she says.
“By upholding unconditional positive regard, I avoid suspecting clients of dishonesty.”
So why lie in the first place?
Addicts often lie about their habits, Cameron says. “A gambler often lies about the money they’re losing; alcoholics about how much they’ve drunk; clients with eating disorders about food.”
If denial is one reason for mendacity, delusion is another.
Yannick Lawry, a counsellor of Big Light Counselling in Sydney, worked with one client experiencing psychosis who genuinely believed they were the embodiment of a historical British monarch. Another took several sessions to reveal their sexuality, due to their homophobic home country.
“I never oppose the version of reality put forward, but don’t necessarily endorse it either,” Lawry says. This goes for the delusional monarch, too. “If they talked about the stresses of their monarchical responsibilities, I’d reflect and honour the emotion without explicitly endorsing the content.”
Two people, one lie
Couples counsellor Phoebe Rogers uses her “clinical gut” to pick up on inconsistencies or emotions that feel “off.”
“I reassure that I’m here to compassionately listen, not judge,” she says. “I often engage in some appropriate self-disclosure to normalise the humanity of their concern.”
Lies about affairs, pornography use and gambling, she’s heard them all. “The biggest block is shame,” she says. “Lies mask vulnerability.”
She works with betraying partners about behaviour change, apologies, empathy and rebuilding trust.
With betrayed partners, she has a different approach.
“With a male partner minimising and denying his abusive behaviour, I speak again to the female partner on her own to share my concerns on likelihood of change,” she says.
Rogers adds that no matter what illegal or immoral things clients confess, psychologists are bound by strict ethical codes on confidentiality “as long as there’s no risk of harm to others,” she says.
How to start being honest with your therapist
For people worried about their ability to be honest with their therapists, Elvis Caus, counsellor of Awake Counselling in Sydney, suggests phone appointments rather than meeting in person.
Caus, who sees LGBTQI clients, child sexual abuse survivors and victims of crime, says: “In telephone sessions, when people don’t have to face you, they’ll confess more sometimes when it’s an embarrassing issue.”
For Synot, it came down to the authenticity of that therapeutic relationship.
From telling Cameron what she thought she needed to hear, Synot now divulges everything.
“It taught me not to be closed-minded,” Synot says. “You might see 20 therapists before finding a rapport like ours. Shop around until you find one you’re comfortable with.”
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