‘I couldn’t stand the sight of myself’: Inside swimmer’s harrowing battle

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‘I couldn’t stand the sight of myself’: Inside swimmer’s harrowing battle

By Nick Wright

The months of personal growth Elijah Winnington endured to fight his way out of a “bout of depression” and conquer his demons felt countless.

Memories of his shortcomings at the Tokyo Olympics lingered, and he seriously contemplated abandoning his dreams of gold-medal glory.

But returning from Paris with a silver and bronze medal, the 24-year-old feels reinvigorated.

Elijah Winnington proudly displays his silver medal.

Elijah Winnington proudly displays his silver medal.Credit: AP

“I’m motivated as ever to keep going and chase that elusive gold,” Winnington tells this masthead.

“Looking at my whole journey, that silver is one of the proudest moments and achievements of my career. Coming off Tokyo and the mental battles I’ve had to fight for the past three years … not many people can come back like that.

“I’ll always be so proud of that medal, regardless of the colour, just because of how much growth it’s shown in me over the past three years.”

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‘I just felt like a failure’

Winnington’s revival would not have been possible without serious self-reflection.

Arriving in Tokyo three years ago as the 400-metre freestyle leading contender, having qualified with the fastest time, the stage was set for his name to be etched into Australia’s sporting folklore.

Elijah Winnington needed to overcome a “bout of depression” to put him in contention for Olympic glory in Paris.

Elijah Winnington needed to overcome a “bout of depression” to put him in contention for Olympic glory in Paris.Credit: Getty Images

He would ultimately finish seventh, years spent pursuing one triumph ending in a “shattering” disaster.

By his own admission, on returning to Queensland, he could not fathom getting back in the pool.

“I fell into a bout of depression for a few months,” he says.

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“I really couldn’t stand the sight of myself, or anyone around me. I just felt like a failure. It weighed really heavy on me and I wanted nothing to do with the sport again.

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“It wasn’t until I got myself back into swimming for fitness that I fell in love with it again.

“That’s when I started seeing my mental coach, Glen Fisher, and he really helped me put perspective into things.”

Less than a year later, Winnington won gold at the 2022 World Aquatic Championships in Budapest. He was back – or so he thought.

“After becoming world champion, I got a bit complacent. I thought, ‘I’m just back now’, and that wasn’t the case,” he says.

“Swimming is a roller-coaster – or life’s a roller-coaster, more like it – and I really had to keep myself in check and talk with my mental coach about what it is that drives high performance, and what makes me swim really well.

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“We discovered the key is to just enjoy the moment. Results are never guaranteed, so you want to make sure it’s all worth it by the time you get to the day.”

Resurgence in Paris

Results became Winnington’s secondary focus when he landed in France. He had a very different motivation.

Silver medallist Elijah Winnington (left)  with gold medallist Lukas Martens of Germany and bronze medallist Kim Woo-min of South Korea after the men’s 400-metre freestyle final in Paris.

Silver medallist Elijah Winnington (left) with gold medallist Lukas Martens of Germany and bronze medallist Kim Woo-min of South Korea after the men’s 400-metre freestyle final in Paris.Credit: AP

“I said to my coach a couple of weeks before the [Games] that the only thing I want from this Olympics is some memories to tell my kids with a smile on my face,” he says.

“My only Olympic experience was Tokyo, and I can’t even look back at those times and think of one happy memory.

“Going in, I just had the right mindset about what I wanted, nothing revolved around performance or medals.

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“Don’t get me wrong, I obviously had those goals in the back of my head, but it was just about enjoying the moment.”

That approach reaped rewards beyond his 400-metre silver medal, in which he finished behind Germany’s Lukas Martens by 0.43 of a second.

It enabled him not to dwell on his eighth placing in the 800-metre freestyle final, and instead play a crucial role in Australia’s bronze medal in the 4x200-metre relay an hour later.

“I had to keep working on it, I still do. I still had memories of Tokyo come up when I was in Paris,” he says.

No rest in sight

Within days of returning from Paris, Winnington was back in Brisbane’s St Peters Western pool, preparing for December’s World Short Course Championships.

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But his ambitions go beyond what is to come in Budapest as he hunts greater success at the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics, and a possible swan song in Brisbane 2032.

Elijah Winnington has his sights set on gold in Los Angeles, and a potential bid for Brisbane 2032.

Elijah Winnington has his sights set on gold in Los Angeles, and a potential bid for Brisbane 2032.Credit: Getty Images

Longevity does not appear to be a concern for him as he works alongside close friend and 50-metre freestyle gold medallist Cameron McEvoy to evolve his training.

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McEvoy’s “less is more” approach not only led to his Paris triumph at the age of 30, it has him daring to dream of pushing on until Brisbane 2032.

While Winnington declares he still has “a lot of years of tough work”, he confirms he and McEvoy are planning how the latter’s new training regimen could be implemented in longer distances.

Should they figure that out, he is adamant the Brisbane Games could remain on his radar.

“It’s a long way to think about – I’ll have to get to LA first,” Winnington says.

“Athletes dream of doing a home Games, and it just comes down to pure timing. I’m right on the cusp, but we’ll just have to see.”

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