Can a family overcome infidelity? How to navigate the betrayal
By Frances Howe
Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl has revealed he has fathered a child outside his 21-year marriage. Grohl, 55, has three other children with his wife Jordyn Blum: Violet, 18; Harper, 15; and Ophelia, 10.
Announcing the birth of his fourth daughter on Instagram on Wednesday, the former Nirvana drummer stated his intention to “be a loving and supportive parent to her”, and added: “I love my wife and my children, and I am doing everything I can to regain their trust and earn their forgiveness.”
Grohl has not shared any other details about the baby or her mother, and his representatives have not commented further. His two teenage daughters have deleted their social media accounts across various platforms.
While the news has shocked many fans, who profess Grohl as the “good guy of rock’n’roll”, affairs are not uncommon. But what advice can psychologists offer families dealing with infidelity?
Dave Grohl, 55, has three daughters with his wife Jordyn Blum: Violet, 18; Harper, 15; and Ophelia, 10Credit: Getty Images
Can marriages work after an affair?
Reconciling a marriage after an affair is possible and not uncommon, though the process can take years, says Sydney-based psychologist Phillipa Thornton, who specialises in couples therapy.
In the early stages of discovering a partner’s infidelity, Thornton says, the reconciliation process needs to be directed by the betrayed party. “They need to be the ones that drive this and have the veto power about their needs. It’s about them being very clear about what they do need.”
Seeing a therapist can help relieve the burden of facilitating this kind of dialogue on the betrayed partner, she says.
Thornton assures that it is always OK to leave a marriage, too, but people should be mindful that separation and divorce are not quick fixes and do not substitute the time needed to process guilt and anger.
How do you talk to children about infidelity?
Thornton says it’s important to plan how a conversation with children will pan out, including pre-empting how your child will react and considering how you will respond before the conversation starts. “You have to have a party line, you and your partner,” she says.
“We don’t want to say anything negative about the person. The behaviour is a different story, but they [the children] may not know the difference.”
She says it’s also important to make it clear that these issues are not the child’s problem to try to solve. “Children may feel responsible and try and make everyone happy.”
John McAloon, a clinical psychologist who established the Family Child Behaviour Clinic at UTS, says that parents should discuss the details of the infidelity away from children and avoid letting them be a “matter of consultation across the family”.
On whether to tell children about the infidelity, McAloon says it is important to meet children at their developmental stage. He says that within families that have broad age ranges, like Grohl’s children, different conversations need to happen that reflect the children’s needs.
“The overarching principle is the conversations have to meet the child at their developmental level, so if you’ve got a four-year-old, talking about trust being broken, that’s not going to mean much,” he says. “If you have a 15, 16 or 17-year-old, they have a much better understanding of interpersonal relationships or romantic relationships.”
Because older children will bring their own life experiences to these conversations, McAloon says it is important to utilise this by “asking instead of telling, listening as well as talking”.
So, what happens next?
Both Thornton and McAloon say that the health and development of children should be the focus of couples dealing with infidelity in their relationship.
The easiest way to continue supporting the child’s development amid a family crisis is by maintaining your regular family routine, McAloon says. “Maintaining that kind of functional nature of the family without the heightened emotions is really important.”
He says it is also important that parents keep engaging with the positive things that their child is doing, and keep promoting their child’s relationships with each parent and other interpersonal relationships, whether at school or in extracurricular activities. Informing the school that there is instability at home may also help that child.
It is also important to be mindful that older children don’t assume responsibilities to care for their younger siblings if those responsibilities don’t already exist, McAloon says.
When in doubt, other support options can be explored, including private family support networks, private and public health services, and university clinics.
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